As of December 1, life was amazing! I was living abroad, on vacation in Zanzibar, my finances were mostly in order, I was in love, my family was being themselves (but everyone was their own version of happy and healthy). I had just arrived in Zanzibar and was elated about the adventures that awaited us! Stone town, Prison Island, island hoping, shopping, snorkeling, great food! I was high on life!
"Why isn't he answering the phone?" I thought aloud as I laid on a beach chair listening the evening waves. After all my dad was the only person that I think truly appreciated and was just as excited as I was to hear about my international rompings. He'd howl with laughter, gasp at just the right moments, say, "oh no then what happened?" with sincere delight. He was truly happy for me. So why wasn't he picking up the phone so I could tell him about my trip so far?
"Zenani...I have very bad news for you...are you sitting down?...Zenani...are you ready to hear this?" I wondered why she was being so serious and dramatic. Did my brother do something stupid, is my little cousin hurt. Did someone die...no that's not possible, no one is sick. These thoughts streamed through my mind in what seemed like slow motion. "I'm listening...what is it mom?" I replied apprehensively, because after all it couldn't be that serious right? "Your father passed...(silence)...Zenani did you hear me?"
Then the world ended. There was no cataclysmic boom, or meteor, or great earthquake followed by massive tsuamits. But my world completely ended. Because my center, my everything, my favorite person, my biggest cheerleader, my number one, my source of inspiration, the center of my love, hope, and affection was gone. The journey back to America was a blur and had never seemed so short. I could barely eat from nausea. I cried almost uncontrollably on each flight. I felt empty and heavy and lonely. Why was this happening? Maybe I'll get there and this will all be a misunderstanding. Surely Jesus raised Lazarus...he could do the same for Sherman...right?
Wrong. He did not raise Sherman from the dead. We buried Sherman Fogg on December 10, 2015. Although the world ended on December 3; December 6 was by far the worst day of my life. Seeing my lifeless father in the mortuary, not yet embalmed looking as if he were peacefully resting. Where the most horrific screams erupted from my body and my legs forgot what their job was due to my cries. He did not wake up. The first of many tears that he will never soothe.
I've read that a parent's death is the worst pain that we will ever endure. One's age at the time of death, closeness with the parent, and cause of death (i.e., long-term suffering or sudden) can all have an impact. But overall, it is the worst pain that we will bare. And this holds true for me. Most days it hurts so much that I just feel numb. Other days my body aches. I sit and stare at nothing, or lie in bed hoping for sleep so that I'm not aware of what I'm feeling.
People don't know what to say to you. Most people say something stupid or nothing at all. I for one prefer those that just say, "I don't know what to say. I'm so sorry and I'm praying for you." All of the "be strong...this happens to everyone...be happy" folks can go play in traffic. But the reality is that the only people that know what you're going through are people who have been there. And even then, everyone handles grief differently.
The teacher in me sees a lesson in everything. So I've compiled a list of do's and don'ts to help when this happens to you.
Number 1: HAVE A WILL!
Wills trump everything. And having your finances laid out along with that responsible person that will handle the affairs of your estate clears the air before family members get notions of "hidden money" or begin to feel entitled to what is "theirs". No one wants this headache while they are grappling with the loss of a parent. If you have children, ensure that all of your "death documents" are in one safe place and that you have clearly outlined your wishes. If you don't have children, still do this.
Number 2: IF THERE IS NO WILL, BE HONEST AND ALLOW ONE RESPONSIBLE & MATURE SIBLING HANDLE THE ESTATE.
Every state is slightly different in how they handle estate matters (an estate is basically all of the assets of the deceased that must be accounted for. They go into one account where outstanding debts must be paid and the flow off money in and out must be accounted for in an inventory. This must be done before money is then released to the surviving children). In the state of North Carolina by law siblings must split assets evenly. However, establishing the estate is a process. It can be easy (allowing one person to do the leg work). Or it can be hard (having more than one person with a different agenda in the mix).
If your parent passes and they are unmarried this falls on the children. In a perfect world, all siblings would come together in difficult times and work together to make their father proud. But we don't live in a perfect world and sibling rivalry and jealousy is real. If you and your siblings cannot work it out just get a lawyer and save yourself the additional anger and grief.
Number 3: GRIEVE YOUR WAY.
As I stated before, there will be those that want to tell you how to grieve; ignore them. I'd even go so far as to say stay away from them, they will only make you angry. If you want to cry, then cry. If you are angry, then be mad as hell. If you want to be alone, then get some ice cream and do it. If you need to vent, then talk to someone who is willing to listen. The grieving process is not linear, it is chaotic. You bounce between denial, anger, and depression like a drunken ping pong ball and that is to be expected.
Number 4: GET HELP.
The black community often shuns or mocks the idea of therapy. But I applaud those whose recognize a problem and seek treatment. We take care of our physical bodies and we should take care of our mental faculties as well.
I've always been extremely sensitive and I've learned how to avoid toxic people, shelter myself from the wrong vibes, and recover from things and people that hurt me. However, I do not have the antidote here. I don't know what prayers ease this pain. What exercises to take my mind off of it. Or what liquor will numb me long enough. Every morning I realize that my favorite person no longer walks among the living and that hurts beyond what words give credit to.
