Wolf 101: when love turns fatal

Once upon a time a woman struggled to gain her footing while trekking through the forest of life. She was bruised and battered from the recent storms and continuously stopped along her unmarked path making frivolous attempts at mending her broken bones and bleeding wounds. As she pressed forward she realized that twilight was approaching, she would need to seek refuge from the terrors of night.

As she sought out a safe place a great wolf approached her from behind and whispered, “Hey miss lady…all alone I see.”

She was immediately afraid. Life had torn her limb from limb and she was sure that this great wolf would devour her as well.

“Hello,” she shuddered. “Please don’t hurt me, I only need to rest.”

“Oh it’s quite alright beautiful, you can rest here with me. I will keep you warm and keep the other predators away. But remember, I am a wolf and I do bite.” He smiled.

The woman was exhausted. She weighed her options considering the dwindling daylight.

“Okay, Mr. Wolf. But please be aware that I am badly injured; I couldn’t run if I wanted to. If you ever choose to kill me…do so swiftly.”

The large sly wolf crept closer. He gently sniffed her neck. Kissed her forehead. Told her that she had beautiful hands. Could she truly trust a beast?

They soon drifted off to sleep. The days turned to months and beauty and the beast became great friends. Despite the wolf’s warning, he was delightfully charming. He kept his word to protect her from the other predators. He even used his keen areas of expertise to teach her about the forest and help mend some of her broken bones. The woman felt relieved to finally make a friend, for the forest had been mostly dark, mostly lonely, and altogether scary.

One day while she was picking wild yellow roses the wolf watched his friend closely. The woman was kind, intelligent, caring, compassionate, beautiful, and his prey. But, the wolf knew he would have to kill her. He normally stalked his meals for a much shorter time. After all, a wolf must be true to himself to kill and eat.

He silently approached his prey from behind as she hummed to herself picking her favorite wild flower. Ironically, she hummed with joy reflecting on the love that bloomed with the beast. Just as she noticed the great wolf from the corner of her eye, he pounced! In one swoop his massive jaws closed around her neck, blood immediately oozed from her body staining the flowers that dangled from her finger tips.

As he clenched his jaws to end her, she looked at him through eyes of weakness and despair. She whispered, “why great wolf?”

The beast dropped her at once and scoffed, “I was never meant to love you! My only purpose was to feed off of you. But first I had to gain your trust...it makes the kill more fun.”

The woman lay on the forest floor in a growing pool of her blood. She wept. She wept for her life that was fading. She wept for the friend she thought she gained. She wept for the cruelty of the forest that she could not escape. She wept for the mortality of love.

“Please close your eyes my dear. This will not be swift as you requested; I like to eat slowly.”

How to help your grieving friend: understanding tears and time.

 

Let's first realize that everyone experiences grief and everyone will have a different experience with grief. With that said, I'm writing about my current experience and in my opinion how others, that consider themselves friends and loved ones of the grief stricken, can help.

1. You don't understand, unless you do.

The best comfort that anyone has afforded me during this hell, is to just be there. Not talking, not advising, not telling me their story. Just there. Just listening. Unless you have experienced a similar grief, i.e., parent for parent, grand for grand, cousin for cousin, you just don't get it. Yes everyone has lost their granny, Pop-Pop, Uncle B, Auntie, or cousin June-bug; and please don't feel that I'm diminishing the loss. But when mom or dad passes, whether it be suddenly due to a heart attack or slowly before your eyes because of cancer, it's just not the same. Please do not attempt to console your friend/loved one by telling them you understand because of when your cousin, granny, or uncle died. I'd much prefer an honest, "I don't know what you're going through, but I'm here for you." It's truthful and it allows your grieving friend to be vulnerable.

2. Your timeframe is just different.

My cousin found my father dead in his bedroom on December 3. I was back in America on December 5. I saw his lifeless body in the mortuary on December 6. I gave his eulogy on December 10 at the most unique and touching funeral I've ever been to. My brother and I started a civil war to begin his estate process on December 14. I was back in Abu Dhabi on December 31. We finished the estate paper work on March 29. Now these are just dates for reference.

It's easy to be selfish with your loved one's death, because after all it's your father or your mother. So at times I've kept in mind that my father was a great man and he impacted many people. There were people that were greatly saddened by his passing. For example, the woman at Structure House, the weight loss center where he also taught classes, cried in my arms when I went to tell them that he wouldn't be coming back to teach. But let's be honest, one month later, two months later, three months later; all of those people are getting over it. They aren't crying anymore, they are enjoying his memory with levity and laughter. Four months later, five months later; people that were a little closer than co-workers, and friends of circumstance, have also gotten over this great loss because let's face it, he's not a part of their DNA and they have gone through the stages of grief happily arriving at acceptance. For them the pain, shock, sadness, and maybe anger have subsided. So here's the stitch, his kids: Zenani and Igwe, are still going through it like its December. Because every day is December 3 and December 6. We still carry his heart on our sleeves, we still have this daddy-sized weight in our pockets, we still trudge through many days with broken hearts. 

I implore you to remember this. Because although it's been 5 months since my daddy left this earth, I'm still sick. I still miss him terribly. I still pick up my phone to call him out of habit. So please, do not bring yourself to tell your grieving friend to get over their heartache, or to move on, because trust me if it were that easy we would.

3. Save your advice for boyfriend/girlfriend  breakups.

The last thing I've wanted to hear from my friends or anyone else was what/how my father would feel about me being sad. My dad never liked to hear his little girl upset, however he had a keen understanding of emotions. If I was sad, he didn't say "don't be sad" he said "tell me what's bothering you my dear" and then he would listen. Don't be so quick to give advice in an area where you are ill-equipped, remember to be true to your friend and be the shoulder to lean on not the voice of knowledge. Your advice may seem like really good advice, but the bottom line is that we need someone to listen and be there with consistency. This is a problem, but don't feel compelled to provide a solution or have wise words; your presence is enough. 

We will be strong when we are strong, but on days where reality has become too much to carry, just be there as promised.

4. If you have committed to being there, don't flake out.

There is nothing worse than a flaky person. Well actually there are far worse things, but you get my point. I had a conversation with a man that lost his mom last November. He said that his long-term girlfriend broke up with him shortly after his mom passed, at that moment my heart recognized his heart because my boyfriend also left me shortly after my father passed. This motherless man said to me, "No one that says they love you should leave you at a time like that." Now I won't go into bashing my ex for his dishonorable behavior because I firmly believe that you reap what you sow. But please know, that keeping your word is essential. Someone may be counting on your shoulder to cry on. Someone that loves you needs you in their dark hour. Someone that you claim to love needs you to show and prove. So when it gets hard, because it will (they are hurting and rediscovering life with a missing piece) just weather the storm if your love is true. But if you are too selfish, too busy, or just not cut out for watching difficult times then leave them gently and honestly.

5. They are trying.

Even when it doesn't look like it, your grieving friend is trying. Trying just looks different on different days. For me, some days trying is lipstick, a pretty dress, and heels while other days trying is getting out of bed and remembering to shower. And there's a whole range of in-betweens. But I am trying, it's just that my definition of strength varies from day to day. So when you tell them to "be strong" just keep in mind what it took for them to leave their bed or even answer your call.

6. Reach out to them.

Countless people have told me "I'm here for you," or "call me if you need anything". Now don't get me wrong, I think that they mean well. But I just don't function  that way. I feel awkward reaching out to someone with such a heavy burden. What I need is for someone to reach in to me. Ask me how I'm doing. Ask me if you can come and sit with me. Ask me if I've eaten today. Or hell, just show up and knock on my door. That's what I need; that's what eases this emptiness. Finally, know that they will need you past your moment of grief. As I stated in number 2, your timeline is different than your grieving friend. So as you may have called to check in on them in the first 2 months, just remember their timeline of grief extends past yours.

 

I hope that this has been received with openness, as I've really hoped to be honest based on my experiences. This has been a rough road and it helps when I encounter people that are genuine and are open to what I need. We will all experience this particular grief from loosing a parent at some point in life. And there is nothing that can ease the pain; because let's face it, the highs of love and drugs are temporary. However, knowing how to better help a grieving friend can make a big difference!

Vacation to Hell: the unfolding of unrequited love.

 

 

As of December 1, life was amazing! I was living abroad, on vacation in Zanzibar, my finances were mostly in order, I was in love, my family was being themselves (but everyone was their own version of happy and healthy). I had just arrived in Zanzibar and was elated about the adventures that awaited us! Stone town, Prison Island, island hoping, shopping, snorkeling, great food! I was high on life!

"Why isn't he answering the phone?" I thought aloud as I laid on a beach chair listening the evening waves. After all my dad was the only person that I think truly appreciated and was just as excited as I was to hear about my international rompings. He'd howl with laughter, gasp at just the right moments, say, "oh no then what happened?" with sincere delight. He was truly happy for me. So why wasn't he picking up the phone so I could tell him about my trip so far?

"Zenani...I have very bad news for you...are you sitting down?...Zenani...are you ready to hear this?" I wondered why she was being so serious and dramatic. Did my brother do something stupid, is my little cousin hurt. Did someone die...no that's not possible, no one is sick. These thoughts streamed through my mind in what seemed like slow motion. "I'm listening...what is it mom?" I replied apprehensively, because after all it couldn't be that serious right? "Your father passed...(silence)...Zenani did you hear me?"

Then the world ended. There was no cataclysmic boom, or meteor, or great earthquake followed by massive tsuamits. But my world completely ended. Because my center, my everything, my favorite person, my biggest cheerleader, my number one, my source of inspiration, the center of my love, hope, and affection was gone. The journey back to America was a blur and had never seemed so short. I could barely eat from nausea. I cried almost uncontrollably on each flight. I felt empty and heavy and lonely. Why was this happening? Maybe I'll get there and this will all be a misunderstanding. Surely Jesus raised Lazarus...he could do the same for Sherman...right?

Wrong. He did not raise Sherman from the dead. We buried Sherman Fogg on December 10, 2015. Although the world ended on December 3; December 6 was by far the worst day of my life. Seeing my lifeless father in the mortuary, not yet embalmed looking as if he were peacefully resting. Where the most horrific screams erupted from my body and my legs forgot what their job was due to my cries. He did not wake up. The first of many tears that he will never soothe.

I've read that a parent's death is the worst pain that we will ever endure. One's age at the time of death, closeness with the parent, and cause of death (i.e., long-term suffering or sudden) can all have an impact. But overall, it is the worst pain that we will bare. And this holds true for me. Most days it hurts so much that I just feel numb. Other days my body aches. I sit and stare at nothing, or lie in bed hoping for sleep so that I'm not aware of what I'm feeling.

People don't know what to say to you. Most people say something stupid or nothing at all. I for one prefer those that just say, "I don't know what to say. I'm so sorry and I'm praying for you." All of the "be strong...this happens to everyone...be happy" folks can go play in traffic. But the reality is that the only people that know what you're going through are people who have been there. And even then, everyone handles grief differently.

The teacher in me sees a lesson in everything. So I've compiled a list of do's and don'ts to help when this happens to you.

Number 1: HAVE A WILL!
Wills trump everything. And having your finances laid out along with that responsible person that will handle the affairs of your estate clears the air before family members get notions of "hidden money" or begin to feel entitled to what is "theirs". No one wants this headache while they are grappling with the loss of a parent. If you have children, ensure that all of your "death documents" are in one safe place and that you have clearly outlined your wishes. If you don't have children, still do this.

Number 2: IF THERE IS NO WILL, BE HONEST AND ALLOW ONE RESPONSIBLE & MATURE SIBLING HANDLE THE ESTATE.
Every state is slightly different in how they handle estate matters (an estate is basically all of the assets of the deceased that must be accounted for. They go into one account where outstanding debts must be paid and the flow off money in and out must be accounted for in an inventory. This must be done before money is then released to the surviving children). In the state of North Carolina by law siblings must split assets evenly. However, establishing the estate is a process. It can be easy (allowing one person to do the leg work). Or it can be hard (having more than one person with a different agenda in the mix).
If your parent passes and they are unmarried this falls on the children. In a perfect world, all siblings would come together in difficult times and work together to make their father proud. But we don't live in a perfect world and sibling rivalry and jealousy is real. If you and your siblings cannot work it out just get a lawyer and save yourself the additional anger and grief.

Number 3: GRIEVE YOUR WAY.
As I stated before, there will be those that want to tell you how to grieve; ignore them. I'd even go so far as to say stay away from them, they will only make you angry. If you want to cry, then cry. If you are angry, then be mad as hell. If you want to be alone, then get some ice cream and do it. If you need to vent, then talk to someone who is willing to listen. The grieving process is not linear, it is chaotic. You bounce between denial, anger, and depression like a drunken ping pong ball and that is to be expected.

Number 4: GET HELP.
The black community often shuns or mocks the idea of therapy. But I applaud those whose recognize a problem and seek treatment. We take care of our physical bodies and we should take care of our mental faculties as well.

I've always been extremely sensitive and I've learned how to avoid toxic people, shelter myself from the wrong vibes, and recover from things and people that hurt me. However, I do not have the antidote here. I don't know what prayers ease this pain. What exercises to take my mind off of it. Or what liquor will numb me long enough. Every morning I realize that my favorite person no longer walks among the living and that hurts beyond what words give credit to.