Let's first realize that everyone experiences grief and everyone will have a different experience with grief. With that said, I'm writing about my current experience and in my opinion how others, that consider themselves friends and loved ones of the grief stricken, can help.
1. You don't understand, unless you do.
The best comfort that anyone has afforded me during this hell, is to just be there. Not talking, not advising, not telling me their story. Just there. Just listening. Unless you have experienced a similar grief, i.e., parent for parent, grand for grand, cousin for cousin, you just don't get it. Yes everyone has lost their granny, Pop-Pop, Uncle B, Auntie, or cousin June-bug; and please don't feel that I'm diminishing the loss. But when mom or dad passes, whether it be suddenly due to a heart attack or slowly before your eyes because of cancer, it's just not the same. Please do not attempt to console your friend/loved one by telling them you understand because of when your cousin, granny, or uncle died. I'd much prefer an honest, "I don't know what you're going through, but I'm here for you." It's truthful and it allows your grieving friend to be vulnerable.
2. Your timeframe is just different.
My cousin found my father dead in his bedroom on December 3. I was back in America on December 5. I saw his lifeless body in the mortuary on December 6. I gave his eulogy on December 10 at the most unique and touching funeral I've ever been to. My brother and I started a civil war to begin his estate process on December 14. I was back in Abu Dhabi on December 31. We finished the estate paper work on March 29. Now these are just dates for reference.
It's easy to be selfish with your loved one's death, because after all it's your father or your mother. So at times I've kept in mind that my father was a great man and he impacted many people. There were people that were greatly saddened by his passing. For example, the woman at Structure House, the weight loss center where he also taught classes, cried in my arms when I went to tell them that he wouldn't be coming back to teach. But let's be honest, one month later, two months later, three months later; all of those people are getting over it. They aren't crying anymore, they are enjoying his memory with levity and laughter. Four months later, five months later; people that were a little closer than co-workers, and friends of circumstance, have also gotten over this great loss because let's face it, he's not a part of their DNA and they have gone through the stages of grief happily arriving at acceptance. For them the pain, shock, sadness, and maybe anger have subsided. So here's the stitch, his kids: Zenani and Igwe, are still going through it like its December. Because every day is December 3 and December 6. We still carry his heart on our sleeves, we still have this daddy-sized weight in our pockets, we still trudge through many days with broken hearts.
I implore you to remember this. Because although it's been 5 months since my daddy left this earth, I'm still sick. I still miss him terribly. I still pick up my phone to call him out of habit. So please, do not bring yourself to tell your grieving friend to get over their heartache, or to move on, because trust me if it were that easy we would.
3. Save your advice for boyfriend/girlfriend breakups.
The last thing I've wanted to hear from my friends or anyone else was what/how my father would feel about me being sad. My dad never liked to hear his little girl upset, however he had a keen understanding of emotions. If I was sad, he didn't say "don't be sad" he said "tell me what's bothering you my dear" and then he would listen. Don't be so quick to give advice in an area where you are ill-equipped, remember to be true to your friend and be the shoulder to lean on not the voice of knowledge. Your advice may seem like really good advice, but the bottom line is that we need someone to listen and be there with consistency. This is a problem, but don't feel compelled to provide a solution or have wise words; your presence is enough.
We will be strong when we are strong, but on days where reality has become too much to carry, just be there as promised.
4. If you have committed to being there, don't flake out.
There is nothing worse than a flaky person. Well actually there are far worse things, but you get my point. I had a conversation with a man that lost his mom last November. He said that his long-term girlfriend broke up with him shortly after his mom passed, at that moment my heart recognized his heart because my boyfriend also left me shortly after my father passed. This motherless man said to me, "No one that says they love you should leave you at a time like that." Now I won't go into bashing my ex for his dishonorable behavior because I firmly believe that you reap what you sow. But please know, that keeping your word is essential. Someone may be counting on your shoulder to cry on. Someone that loves you needs you in their dark hour. Someone that you claim to love needs you to show and prove. So when it gets hard, because it will (they are hurting and rediscovering life with a missing piece) just weather the storm if your love is true. But if you are too selfish, too busy, or just not cut out for watching difficult times then leave them gently and honestly.
5. They are trying.
Even when it doesn't look like it, your grieving friend is trying. Trying just looks different on different days. For me, some days trying is lipstick, a pretty dress, and heels while other days trying is getting out of bed and remembering to shower. And there's a whole range of in-betweens. But I am trying, it's just that my definition of strength varies from day to day. So when you tell them to "be strong" just keep in mind what it took for them to leave their bed or even answer your call.
6. Reach out to them.
Countless people have told me "I'm here for you," or "call me if you need anything". Now don't get me wrong, I think that they mean well. But I just don't function that way. I feel awkward reaching out to someone with such a heavy burden. What I need is for someone to reach in to me. Ask me how I'm doing. Ask me if you can come and sit with me. Ask me if I've eaten today. Or hell, just show up and knock on my door. That's what I need; that's what eases this emptiness. Finally, know that they will need you past your moment of grief. As I stated in number 2, your timeline is different than your grieving friend. So as you may have called to check in on them in the first 2 months, just remember their timeline of grief extends past yours.
I hope that this has been received with openness, as I've really hoped to be honest based on my experiences. This has been a rough road and it helps when I encounter people that are genuine and are open to what I need. We will all experience this particular grief from loosing a parent at some point in life. And there is nothing that can ease the pain; because let's face it, the highs of love and drugs are temporary. However, knowing how to better help a grieving friend can make a big difference!
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